{"id":2121,"date":"2016-03-30T22:27:10","date_gmt":"2016-03-30T21:27:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.actnocturnal.com\/?p=2121"},"modified":"2022-02-12T20:44:54","modified_gmt":"2022-02-12T19:44:54","slug":"kako-zavrsiti-knjigu","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.anagord.com\/zh\/kako-zavrsiti-knjigu\/","title":{"rendered":"Kako Zavr\u0161iti Knjigu: Na Kraju Po\u010detka"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/b>(ili kakav je ose\u0107aj zavr\u0161iti knjigu)<\/h3>\n

Ne, jo\u0161 uvek ne spavam sama. Elina… Ona i dalje le\u017ei u mom krevetu. Pri\u010damo uve\u010de, ja joj tiho \u0161apu\u0107em da je gotovo, ali me ona tvrdoglavo ne slu\u0161a i okre\u0107e glavu:<\/p>\n

– Pusti me da spavam…<\/p>\n

I ja je pustim, govore\u0107i sebi \u2013 jo\u0161 samo no\u0107as. Legnem i posmatram je kako di\u0161e i nisam sigurna da li treba da je pokrijem ili da joj stavim jastuk preko glave. Ne \u017eelim da ode. Ali ni ne \u017eelim da ostane tu zauvek. Drugi likovi ve\u0107 \u010dekaju na svoj red. Zato je dugo mazim po kosi i tepam joj, ona uspavano uzdi\u0161e poluotvorenih usana, pa i sama zaspim, uvek iznova o\u010darana prizorom sopstvene kreacije.<\/p>\n

Ne znam \u0161ta mi je. Stvarno. Moja knjiga je gotova i to je neprijatan\u00a0ose\u0107aj. Ne\u0161to zavr\u0161iti. Na vi\u0161e strana. Nikada ranije to nisam uradila. Verovatno sve \u0161to uradite po prvi put, nakon ispunjenja \u017eelje, izgleda tako, neobi\u010dno. Prvi pretr\u010dani maraton. Prvi dobijeni posao. Prvi drhtavi\u00a0poljubac. Prvi skok iz padobrana. Prva… Knjiga. Od nekoga se odvojiti na koga misli\u0161 svaki dan. Kao da nemam kome da se vratim. Kao da nemam gde. Kao da mi je izmaknuto tlo pod nogama. I jedino \u010demu mogu da se vratim jeste potpuno praznom papiru. Na kome nisu svi oni koje sam do malopre stvarala.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Posle finalnog bisa, rok zvezda (ili zvezda granda) ushi\u0107eno se zahvali, dok gomila urla da\u00a0\u017eeli jo\u0161. Nole zabada lopticu, baca reket, spu\u0161ta se na kolena i uzbu\u0111eno di\u017ee ruke u vaduh. Ili se glumac poklanja dok se zavesa spu\u0161ta a aplauz ne jenjava i cve\u0107e sti\u017ee iz publike. A pisac? Stoji sa rukom na \u010delu i gr\u010devito grize usnu (obi\u010dno oko 3 ujutru). Radi pore\u0111enja, jedino kako se ose\u0107am jeste nedovr\u0161eno. Bez katarze. Dok kucam poslednje re\u010di (iako pojima nisam imala da \u0107e se ba\u0161 tako zavr\u0161iti), nema nikakve euforije. Vi\u0161e potpune mentalne iscrpljenosti. Neobja\u0161njive tuge. I bezrazlo\u017ene nervoze. Ako ni\u0161ta, nadala sam se da \u0107u osetiti bar neko olak\u0161anje i ponos.<\/p>\n

Ali ni traga ni jednom ni drugom.<\/p>\n

Priznajem, uhvatila me anksioznost pred sam fini\u0161. U\u017easna glavobolja \u0161to je bilo kome moram davati. Pokazati. Nisam \u017eelela. Htela sam, kao u knjizi, da ostavim svoje delo sebi. Da bude kod mene, ispod srca. Da ga niko nikada ne vidi. Da ga strpam u neku virtuelnu fijoku koju ne moram vi\u0161e nikad da otvorim.<\/p>\n

A pravo da vam ka\u017eem, nikada knjigu i nisam pisala ni za koga drugog – uvek samo za sebe i zbog sebe. Opijeno sam \u010ditala moj sopstveni tekst. U\u017eivala sam u Elininim re\u010dima. U\u017eivala sam u njenim postupcima. U\u017eivala sam u njenom vazdu\u0161astom postojanju. I na samu pomisao da je dam bilo kome drugom ko je ne\u0107e obo\u017eavati koliko i ja \u2013 \u017eeludac mi se prevrtao pa sam ose\u0107ala mu\u010dninu od nervoze. Stra\u0161no je bilo. Pustiti je samu, u svet. Dati je golu, da je neko posmatra. Da je neko prosu\u0111uje. Da je neko zanemari. Da neko pro\u0111e pored nje. Da nekoga, ne daj bo\u017ee, nervira. Moja Elina! Osoba koja me je skoro 4 godine sa\u010dekivala verno, svake no\u0107i. Koja se nikada nije sa mnom sva\u0111ala, iako je bila veoma neposlu\u0161na. Koju ni sama nisam mogla da odredim.<\/p>\n

I njih troje zajedno. Mladi Vuk. Magi\u010dni, zgodni, crni de\u010dko. Divan \u00a0i zategnut i pa\u017eljiv i udoban i pun razumevanja. Nezreo i nesna\u0111en i razuzdan ali dovoljno voljan da se popravi. I njen mu\u017e, Alojz. Uspe\u0161an poslovni \u010dovek koji je bio zauzet svojim prohtevima pa nije umeo da se posveti, ne Elini, ve\u0107 sebi i svom \u017eivotu. On je bio beskrajno dobar i radio najbolje kako je znao. A ona? Slavna\u00a0slikarka, duga\u010dke kose, sa milion razli\u010ditih boja i osoba u njoj, koja je ponajmanje bila ja, a opet iza\u0161la iz mene, iz mog svakog prsta (prim. aut. – kako je to u stvari \u010dudno, \u0161to se na tastaturi pi\u0161e sa svim prstima, a ranije samo jednom rukom i dva prsta). Ona, koje sam se pla\u0161ila da \u0107e je poistovetiti sa mnom, iako sam uvek o njoj govorila (i pisala) u tre\u0107em rodu. Nisam \u017eelela da budem ona, niti je ona imala bilo kakve \u017eelje da bude ja (zato je i gun\u0111ala pred spavanje). Ona je \u017eivela u nekom svom Beogradu, druga\u010dijem potpuno od mog ili je to bio isti grad a mi se prosto nismo nikada srele? Mo\u017eda je to sli\u010dno ose\u0107aju kada pu\u0161tate decu da se igraju \u2013 toliko su se drala da ste jedva \u010dekali da iza\u0111u napolje, a sada kad nisu vi\u0161e tu, sve deluje isuvi\u0161e tiho.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Tako je sa Elinom… A sa mnom? Sa Anom? Hm… Ona je… Ona je Ana Gord<\/a>. Nisam to ja. I malo jesam. Nisam sigurna, i dalje se navikavam na ulogu. Ova druga, ova ja koja nije svesna da je pisac<\/a> jo\u0161 uvek, ona je malo zbunjena. Nisam o\u010dekivala da je \u00a0istovremeno kraj i po\u010detak. Da treba da se pustim\u00a0da neko drugi upozna li\u010dnosti iz mene. Bilo je zastra\u0161uju\u0107e. \u017diveli su tako udobno, u\u0161u\u0161kani u privatnom svetu hard diska, gde im se godinama ispunjavalo i svako najmanje izvoljevanje.<\/p>\n

Otvaranje knjige i sebe ka publici bilo je… Pa, neugodno u najmanju ruku.<\/p>\n

A i \u010dini mi se da je\u00a0Elina ljuta. Poslala sam je na pregled kod lektora. Ne znam, mo\u017eda i nije ljuta, samo joj nije jasno da treba da na\u0111e ne\u010diji tu\u0111i krevet da u njemu spava. A ja brinem ko \u0107e primiti, kao da je re\u010d o smrznutom ma\u010detu, a ne o (naj(ne)obi\u010dnijem) liku iz jedne (najobi\u010dnije) knjige!<\/p>\n

Sledi logi\u010dno pitanje –\u00a0za\u0161to sam se onda uop\u0161te odlu\u010dila da je izdam (u bukvalnom i prenesenom zna\u010denju)?<\/p>\n

Izme\u0111u ostalog zato \u0161to je potpuno prirodno\u00a0da ne\u0161to \u0161to sam pro\u010ditala oko 8 miliona puta zvu\u010di glupo (a u po\u010detku je delovalo fenomenalno). Koliko god da je moje pisanje sjajno i moje re\u010di vrve od bo\u017eanstvenosti, sada sve izgleda kao neugledna\u00a0mrlja na treperavom ekranu. I to je u redu. I treba tako da izgleda. Sve\u00a0je deo procesa pisanja i sigurno nisam jedina koja se nosi sa takvim mislima. Na papiru sam lagala i izmi\u0161ljala (bezo\u010dno!) i stvorila potpuno novi svet u svojoj glavi i likove sa kojima se sva\u0111am; verovatno je ok \u0161to mislim da sam luda. Jer\u00a0moji su likovi dovoljno divni da ih pogleda jo\u0161 neko pored mene. A i\u00a0sami su\u00a0delovi toliko drugih li\u010dnosti.<\/p>\n

Zaboravim \u010desto dve stvari, ali ih se (sre\u0107om!) na vreme setim: 1) savr\u0161enstvo ne postoji i\u00a02) dobro pi\u0161em. Mogu da sumnjam u sebe i da se ose\u0107am lo\u0161e. Ali da je pisanje knjige opu\u0161teno i lepr\u0161avo, svi bi pisali. U redu je da\u00a0se ovako ose\u0107am.<\/p>\n

Sad je red da nastavim dalje. Nema drugde nego dalje. Nazad sam ve\u0107 bila. Pisanje je uvek za mene bila jedina stvar koja je uvek<\/span> imala smisla i to je ono \u0161to volim<\/del>\u00a0obo\u017eavam da radim. Ovako se u\u010dim da budem sama sebi najve\u0107a podr\u0161ka. Da budem na mojoj strani. Da stojim iza svojih re\u010di. Da glasam za sebe. I zato \u0161to je vreme; ose\u0107am to u stomaku (iza pupka), vreme je da svi oni idu dalje.<\/p>\n

Zavr\u0161iti knjigu je zapravo samo – \u010dudno. Ose\u0107aj na koji se treba naviknuti. Jer\u00a0u su\u0161tini, ovo nije kraj. Ovo po\u010detak postojanja jedne nove pri\u010de koju sam sama stvorila. I u toj pri\u010di, komotno mogu da izbacim Elinu iz kreveta. I preselim je na tu\u0111e jastuke.\"\"<\/p>\n

Ukoliko vam se tekst dopao, slobodno lajkajte, delite i suskrajbujte se na blog – sve je besplatno i beskrajno zabavno. Tako\u0111e me mo\u0111ete pratiti na nekoj od socijalnih mre\u017ea a\u00a0budite dobri pa pro\u010ditajte i\u00a0moje kratke\u00a0Pri\u010de<\/strong>\u00a0se na srpskom jeziku na\u00a0iBooks<\/a>\u00a0ili na engleskom na\u00a0Amazonu<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

U\u017eivajte\u00a0u \u010ditanju!<\/em><\/p>\n

p.s. \u017delite da napi\u0161ete knjigu od po\u010detka do kraja, a zatim je i objavite?\u00a0Prijavite se za najbolji\u00a0KURS KREATIVNOG PISANJA<\/a>\u00a0na svetu\u00a0\"\ud83d\ude42\"<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(ili kakav je ose\u0107aj zavr\u0161iti knjigu) Ne, jo\u0161 uvek ne spavam sama. Elina… Ona i dalje le\u017ei u mom krevetu. Pri\u010damo uve\u010de, ja joj tiho \u0161apu\u0107em da je gotovo, ali me ona tvrdoglavo ne slu\u0161a i okre\u0107e glavu: – Pusti me da spavam… I ja je pustim, govore\u0107i sebi \u2013 jo\u0161 samo no\u0107as. Legnem i<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2123,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"amp_status":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2121","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-pisanje"],"yoast_head":"\nKako Zavrsiti Knjigu: Na Kraju Po\u010detka<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Kako Zavrsiti Knjigu: Na Kraju Po\u010detka: Ne znam \u0161ta mi je. 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