I became an empty shell.<\/p>\n
I turned into hairstyle, nails, tan, pedicure, in everything that didn\u2019t have anything to do with everything, into big breasts, tight ass, into day by day and day by day\u2026<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t have any sense. What\u2019s the meaning? Point? Reason? Bare survival; I let my body to take control (again!) and just satisfied my urges, thirst, hunger, physical needs, sex, sex, sex\u2026 Fucking sex! Always sex! Never more and never the less, just sex\u2026 Sexual attraction, hormones, desire, passion, pheromones, scent, skin, lust! Hands\u00a0were thinking instead of the brain, they were undressing and dressing, putting the food in, whipping the mouth, pushing inside, got dirty and always washed themselves never to clean the conscience! What was I searching for and where did I look\u00a0for it, why did I look, and again without any order, like I need an order! The body had swallowed the brain out of pure obnoxiousness, from hungry eyes, with no regret or shame. Without any control (and that order which I didn\u2019t need) the body continued to do whatever it pleases and desires. Awful!<\/p>\n
I met\u00a0with myself and said that this\u2019s not going to happen anymore, and the body just waved back at me, without any consideration, with those hands, saying: Yeah! Like you can say something!<\/em> I ate my\u00a0brain, it was down in my\u00a0stomach who now thinks instead of the head. And I continued\u2026 To do everything, with that body, without thinking, without purpose (if again, there is one). Who did I harm anyways?!<\/p>\n The feeling was weird. In the beginning, those were my own palms\u00a0that strangled me, so I didn\u2019t defend myself from them, although I felt unease. It did hurt. There were bruises and marks from my nails. But there were no thoughts. And that was so easy. Chain around my neck was easier to bear than any thoughts. And if my hands\u00a0tried to let go, I would put them back to my neck because that was more sustainable then trying to think. And the feeling got better eventually. I didn\u2019t feel any pain cause I got\u00a0used to it and because, indeed, I was causing it to myself.<\/p>\n But often I was in a bad mood. It\u00a0would\u00a0happen that, when I walk into a club, in half an hour I’d already say hello to almoast all the people there (in city with million people in it!). But could I never just go\u00a0home and instead I was forsing it, trying to make night better. That never happened of course, and I would walk home feeling empty and angry at myself.<\/p>\n I have lost every touch with reality, and lived in some kind of a dream. Billion of years have passed, eons of time, glaciers were melting and continents disappeared, and I just stud with my body, same body, that thinks only for itself. Always the same thing repeated itself; tasty meal, strong coffee, fragrant\u00a0palm, pulsing vene, chain that grips tighter but\u00a0it should! That’s the way it should be! It could have\u00a0lasted forever. It could have\u00a0stayed and disappeared with me and come back again in some other me, always, again,\u00a0reappearing\u00a0and to be just body, life without living, beeing without needing, sky without air. It could have, and it started to, it already spread its roots, blocked my pores and drowned me with its sugary juice, got sticky, glued onto me and in the end – it felt so good, ah yes, so good. Brain wasn’t there, and who’s not there you\u00a0can always do without, and even more, it felt wonderful, marvelous! Body enjoyed to be pampered, creamed, bathed, splashed, protected, to be light and seductive! Body\u00a0was slumping\u00a0in nights while being struck with orgasams, while sweat sweet as honey was driping down the thighs, and pupils big as moon dilated from euphoria. Ah, it feelt better then anyone can imagine, like spa, seaside, long\u00a0vacation away from thinking.<\/p>\n I resigned myself to fate.<\/p>\n Knock\u00a0– knock.<\/p>\n Hmmm.<\/p>\n Knock\u00a0– knock.<\/p>\n Who can that be?<\/p>\n Khm, khm – knock-knock I said.<\/p>\n For Gods sake I don\u2019t have a clue what this is?! Somebody knocking? Somebody coming?<\/p>\n Hey stupid!\u00a0Knock\u00a0– knock.<\/p>\n ???<\/p>\n KNOCK – KNOCK.<\/p>\n Obviously I didn\u2019t get it from the start and then I scratched my hair and put a pinky in my mouth to see if biting nails would help me figure out this craziness. And then I felt it under my elbow.<\/p>\n Knock – knock.<\/p>\n The left one.<\/p>\n Knock – knock\u00a0and again knock – knock., with 60 to 80 beats like that in a minute. Pumping blood. With\u00a0chambers. Annoying muscle that shivers when it’s not supposed to. Contractions that keep\u00a0me\u00a0alive.<\/p>\n Heart where did you come from?! (fake smile). I didn\u2019t know you were here! I forgot that I even had you! Aha<\/em>, responds the heart, I\u2019m here, got nowhere else to go, maybe you want to eat me too?!<\/em><\/p>\n My mouth were really hungry, like always, but my stomach couldn\u2019t cope with it. Too heavy! If the stomach thought with my brain, it couldn\u2019t think with my heart. It was solo. And empty. And waiting. On me.<\/p>\n But sweetheart, I\u2019m in a hurry! Really, I have to, well, show up\u00a0in a club, do my nails, screw around a little because I\u2019m hungry, think not cause my head hurts so bad these days.<\/p>\n Knock – knock – knock.<\/p>\n Fuck, don\u2019t do that to me!!! I didn\u2019t\u2026 I mean I did, but\u2026 I don\u2019t know what I did.<\/p>\n Still pounding in my chests. Ooooo fuck\u2026.<\/p>\n Just a bit more please! Just to go to the market today, I\u2019m working tomorrow so I don\u2019t have the time, but next week for sure, when I do the things that don\u2019t need to be done.<\/p>\n Whatever. I\u2019m here, waiting.<\/em> Tick – tack.<\/p>\n I feel sick.<\/p>\n Aha<\/em>, said the heart calmly.<\/p>\n I feel sick really; in my mouth I feel some mix of sour and bitter taste.<\/p>\n Aha<\/em>, it continues.<\/p>\n Please, don\u2019t.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not doing anything to you<\/em>.<\/p>\n Uh, I feel so bad! Whole stomach\u00a0is spinning.<\/p>\n Heart\u00a0smiles with corner of a lip. That\u2019s right<\/em>.<\/p>\n I can feel it in my throat already. It\u2019s no good. I\u2019m starting to throw up.<\/p>\n Everything falls out. Both\u00a0my brain and my half digested heart that my lips did try to swallow anyway. I\u2019m throwing up\u00a0while poisonous spit is dripping down my chin. And more. Gross!\u00a0The brain is burned\u00a0by acid and I don\u2019t know if it can function at all.<\/p>\n What a mess! I\u2019m throwing up\u00a0until my lips turn blue, until all pus and everything I didn\u2019t want to think about comes out, and all thoughts\u00a0return that I delayed so gladly. I turned green from straining\u00a0and sweat becomes stinky and cold, grabby fingers are shaking and those thoughts stab me in a back of my head like ice pick. And more! And more! And more! Palms, do\u00a0come back to my neck! Strangle me! I want to die, or I just wish for death because there I can be on my own again, without brain and thoughts, without need to do something.<\/p>\n I have shivers. I\u2019m dirty and unhappy. Desperate and miserable.<\/p>\n And heart is cheerfully pumping in my chests, yawning and saying: Ah, what a wake up!<\/em><\/p>\n I don\u2019t want to think. I\u2019m closing my eyes but it\u2019s no good. It\u00a0doesn\u2019t help at all.<\/p>\n Oh,\u00a0shit\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I became an empty shell. I turned into hairstyle, nails, tan, pedicure, in everything that didn\u2019t have anything to do with everything, into big breasts, tight ass, into day by day and day by day\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4276,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"amp_status":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-price"],"yoast_head":"\n