{"id":2121,"date":"2016-03-30T22:27:10","date_gmt":"2016-03-30T21:27:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.actnocturnal.com\/?p=2121"},"modified":"2022-02-12T20:44:54","modified_gmt":"2022-02-12T19:44:54","slug":"kako-zavrsiti-knjigu","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.anagord.com\/en\/kako-zavrsiti-knjigu\/","title":{"rendered":"At The End Of A Beginning"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

(or what does it feel like when you finish writing a book)<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n

No, I’m still not sleeping alone. Elina… She’s still lying in my bed. We talk at night, I softly whisper that it’s over, but she doesn’t listen and stubbornly turns her head:
\n– Let me sleep…
\nAnd I let her go, telling myself – just one more night. So\u00a0I lie down and watch her breathing and I’m not sure whether I\u00a0should cover her, or put a pillow over her head. I don’t want her to leave. But I don’t want her to stay here forever too. Other characters are waiting for their turn. Then\u00a0I caress her hair for a long time, and call her sweet names, while she sighs sleepily with\u00a0open\u00a0mouth, until I fall asleep myself, again and again fascinated by a\u00a0sight of my\u00a0own creation.<\/p>\n


\nI don’t know what is it with me. Really. My book is finished\u00a0and it’s an uncomfortable feeling. To finish something. That has multiple pages. I have never done it before. Probably anything you do for the first time, after you\u00a0fulfill your desire, seems something like that, strange. The first marathon you ran. The first job you get. The first trembling kiss. The first jump with\u00a0a parachute. The first… Book. To be\u00a0separated from someone you think about\u00a0every day. Like\u00a0I have no one to return to. Like I have nowhere to go. Like a\u00a0ground is pulled beneath my feet. And all I can do is\u00a0get back to a completely blank sheet of paper. Where are no longer the ones I created a moment ago.<\/p>\n

\"\"
\nAfter the final encore, a rock star enthusiastically says thank you<\/em>, while the crowd is\u00a0yelling we\u00a0want more<\/em>. Novak Djokovic\u00a0strikes the ball, throws his\u00a0racket, goes down on his knees and raises his hands excitedly into the air. Or an\u00a0actor bows until the curtain goes down while applause and flowers are coming from the audience. And a writer? He sits with his hand on his forehead frantically biting his lip (usually around 3 am). If I can compare,\u00a0I only feel incomplete. Without any catharsis. As I was\u00a0writing the last words (although I had no idea that it\u00a0would end this way), there were no euphoria. More like – complete mental exhaustion. Inexplicable sadness. And groundless nervousness. If anything, I was hoping that I would feel some kind of relief or\u00a0pride. But no trace of either one.<\/p>\n

I admit, an anxiety caught me just before I finished. And a terrible headache because\u00a0I have to give my book\u00a0to anyone. To show it. I didn’t want that. I wanted, like in my\u00a0book, to leave my artwork to myself. To be with me, below my\u00a0heart. That no one ever sees it. To put it\u00a0in a virtual drawer that I\u00a0never have to open.<\/p>\n

And to be brutally\u00a0honest, I’ve never written my\u00a0book for anyone else anyway; only for myself\u00a0and because of myself. I\u00a0was\u00a0reading my own lines, \u00a0intoxicated. I loved Elina’s words. I loved her behavior. I loved her\u00a0airy existence. And at a very\u00a0thought to give her to anyone else who will not adore her as much as I do\u00a0– my stomach turned and\u00a0I felt sick from\u00a0uneasiness. How\u00a0terrible that was. To let her go alone into the world. To let her go\u00a0naked, to be watched. For someone to judge her. To ignore her. To\u00a0pass by her. That she, God forbid, annoys someone. My Elina! The person who\u00a0waited for me\u00a0faithfully every night for almost 4 years. That never argued with me, although she was very disobedient. That I could not even identify myself.<\/p>\n

And the three of them together. Young Vuk. Magic, handsome dark-haired guy. Adorable and\u00a0tight and\u00a0thoughtful\u00a0and full of understanding. Confused and\u00a0immature and\u00a0tough\u00a0but with a will to improve. And her husband, Alojz. A successful businessman who has been so busy with his appetites, that he couldn’t devote, not to Elina, but to himself\u00a0and his\u00a0life. He was infinitely good and did the best he knew. And Elina? Famous\u00a0painter, with long hair and million different colors and characters inside of her, that wasn’t me, and yet she came out of me, from each of my\u00a0finger (author’s note<\/em>: it is really strange\u00a0that you type on a\u00a0keyboard with all ten fingers, and that we used to write with\u00a0one hand and only two fingers). She, whom I was afraid that would be identified with me, although I always\u00a0talked about her (and wrote about her) in the third person. I didn’t want to be her, nor did she have any desire to be me (that’s why she murmured\u00a0before bedtime). She lived in her own Belgrade, completely different than mine or was it the same city and we simply haven’t \u00a0met? Maybe this feeling was similar to\u00a0letting children go out to play – they were\u00a0screaming so hard that you couldn’t wait to get rid of them, but now that they are not here, everything seems just too quiet.\"\"
\nThat’s how it is with Elina… And with me? With Ana? Hm… She’s… She’s Ana Gord<\/a>. She’s not me. And she\u00a0is me. I’m not quite sure, I’m still getting used to this role. The other one, the normal me that’s still\u00a0not aware that she’s\u00a0a writer<\/a>, she’s a little confused. I didn’t expect it to be an\u00a0end and a beginning at the same time. That I\u00a0should let\u00a0someone else meet all personalities that came from me. It was terrifying. They lived so comfortably tucked into a private world of my hard drive, where their\u00a0every need was fulfilled\u00a0for\u00a0years. Opening the book and myself to the audience was… Well, uncomfortable\u00a0at least.<\/p>\n

By the way, it\u00a0seems that Elina is upset. I sent her to an examination to\u00a0an editor. I’m not sure, maybe she’s not upset, but she just doesn’t\u00a0understand that she\u00a0needs to find someone else’s bed to sleep in. And I worry about who is going to take her in, as she\u00a0was a frozen kitty, and not just one\u00a0((extra)ordinary) character from one (ordinary) book!<\/p>\n

A logical question follows – why did\u00a0I decide to publish it then? Well among other reasons, because it’s completely natural that something that I read about 8 million times sounds stupid (and it seemed so phenomenal at first). No matter how great my writing is and all my words are full of divinity, now everything seems like messy\u00a0stain on a\u00a0flickering screen. And that’s fine. It needs to look like that. It’s all part of the writing process and I’m certainly not the only one who deals with thoughts like that. On a paper, I lied and I made up (shamelessly!) and created a whole new world in my\u00a0head and characters that I fight with; it’s probably ok that I think I’m crazy. Because my characters are \u00a0beautiful enough\u00a0to be presented to someone else besides me. And they are also parts of other\u00a0personalities as well.<\/p>\n

Also, I often forget two things but I do remember them\u00a0(thankfully!) at the right time: 1) perfection doesn’t exist and 2) I write good. I can doubt myself and feel the flames of hell. But if\u00a0writing a book was light\u00a0and relaxed, everyone would write one. It’s ok\u00a0to feel this way. Now it’s time to bite the bullet, get up, shake off the dust and move on. There’s no other way than forward. I’ve already been in the past. And writing has always been the only thing that always<\/span> made sense to me and that’s what I love<\/del>\u00a0worship to do. This is how\u00a0I’m learning to be my\u00a0biggest support. To be by\u00a0my side. To stand by my own words. To vote for myself. And because it’s time; I feel it in my stomach (behind my\u00a0navel), it is time for\u00a0all of them to move on.<\/p>\n

Finishing the book is really just – weird. The feeling that you need\u00a0to get\u00a0used to. Because in essence, this is not the end. This is the beginning of existence\u00a0of a new story I created myself. And in this story, I can comfortably get Elina out of my bed. I move her\u00a0to other people’s pillows.\u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

\n

If you liked my post, do like, share and\u00a0subscribe\u00a0to my blog (in the upper right corner) – it’s all free and\u00a0endlessly\u00a0fun. If you just can’t wait for my novel to be published, find\u00a0short\u00a0Stories<\/strong> on\u00a0Amazon<\/a>\u00a0or on\u00a0iBooks<\/a>\u00a0is\u00a0Serbian\u00a0language\u00a0(or for\u00a0starters just read a passage or two<\/a>) \u00a0– it’s not really free but it’s great. <\/em><\/p>\n

Enjoy reading! \ud83d\ude42 \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(or what does it feel like when you finish writing a book) No, I’m still not sleeping alone. Elina… She’s still lying in my bed. We talk at night, I softly whisper that it’s over, but she doesn’t listen and stubbornly turns her head: – Let me sleep… And I let her go, telling myself<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2123,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"amp_status":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2121","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-pisanje"],"yoast_head":"\nNa Kraju Po\u010detka<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Kako Zavrsiti Knjigu: Na Kraju Po\u010detka: Ne znam \u0161ta mi je. 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